Monday Funday

Today; a monday, went halfway decent. Monday's usually do. A full week with littles is like this;

 Monday morning: everyone gets up, gets ready, minimal fighting and arguing. Kids go to school, I go to work, pick them up, go home, dinner, baths (actually who am i kidding; baths that is a weekend thing, kids don't get dirty, right?) I meant to say: dirty kids nothing wipes (ok washcloths cause who wants to waste money on wipes, when washcloths can just be washed) can't handle. Then go to bed, minimal crying.

Tuesday: Noone gets up too early but they get up and get dressed, eat, go to school, go to work, come home, kids start stuffing faces because they can not wait for you to cook something, they fight and argue. Go to bed

Wednesday: Are NOT waking up, definitely late, no shower for me .Go to school, go to work. Pick kids up, they fight the whole way home. Food is made and left out. Toys are strewn across house. Im too tired to care. Pass out at night.

Thursday: 5-10 minute shower in while 2 year old beats on door. Older kids not getting up. Finally they do and are crying, whining and fighting. Feed them Campbell's chicken noodle soup for breakfast and bananas. I drink coffee and wish I could sit down and eat something. Shoes are lost, homework is gone, jackets have disappeared, house is a crazy disaster. Go to school, go to work. Come home see breakfast still on table. Half ass clean up while watching kids fight each other and spread more toys throughout house. Want to throw toys in trashcan: dream about it. But don't, cause then how would they entertain themselves so you can get a second of peace: oh wait they forgot how to do that anyway. Pass out.

Friday: Hair is in a huge knot, no makeup, black coffee cause too lazy to pour something in it. Kids fighting?? Dont even know anymore...maybe? Go to someplace, come home, sit on couch and don't move. Kids eat anything they want.

Weekend: rest, rejuvenate

Repeat

Fuck Perfection

I used to try and strive for everything to be perfect and I just had a realization that you know what? Fuck it, fuck that, fuck perfection. No one and nothing is perfect, as we all know. And I am especially not perfect. My art is not, my writting is not, my body is not, everything I am, do and around me is not perfect. So with that realization being had, I am dropping all these stupid projected ideas. I will present my art, blog and everything I do as not goddamned perfect because it is a reflection of everything around me which is un-perfect. If the form in my art sucks I no longer care, if my words are not spelled properly fuck it. This is me and this is how I present to anyone who gives a shit to take a look. Maybe I will sell a few un-perfect things, maybe I won't. Maybe people will like this blog and maybe they will hate it but damn it's worth it because at least I decided to put it all out there and see what happens.

Here is my sweet little 2 and a half year olds piece of art which is perfect:

Blind Decision Making

Today I made a decision for better or worse, who knows at this point.  I savagely pushed the first domino so we will see what happens next. I am cutting back on work, going to spend more time at home and CREATE shit.  Write, create, imagine and see where the fuck it takes me. For my entire life, I have always been a dreamer. Now I am going to go ahead and ride the waves of my dreams (maybe doggy paddle through them??) and see where I end up. This short life of mine, for now on I am going to own it and stop letting my fears and worries make decisions for me. All those past decisions have done is make me feel stressed out and constantly rub my eye hoping it will make the eye twitch go away. Right now, I don't even have a good plan, so I am just going to dive in the water and hope it isn't too deep or dark. Typically when I make a change I plan the whole thing out. This time I can't for some reason, there is a block in the plan. There is a rough outline in my mind of how it is going to work, but I think just doing it will help guide the path. 

Business Woman, Balance, The Masculine

Working so hard to support my family, my personality has changed by it. I have noticed my attitudes and thought processes have changed to be more serious and logical, more cut and dry. This traditionally has been thought of as a masculine role. Yet I do not feel masculine in any way, still me, still a mother, still an artist, just more practiced in logic, negotiations and business. Right now I feel powerful, alive and ready for the next obstacle. I feel like a strong woman taking life and being in control of it. Then I ponder how amazing it is that as a woman I can do this. I am thankful for the feminists before me, thankful for the feminists today and thankful for all of the hard work I have put into making my life better each day. I hope one day the things I do now, the past and in the future inspire my daughters, my son and other women to tackle every obstacle that comes their way with hope and determination.

Beer, Music and Paint

I am looking at this blank screen and thinking about how much I want to write, work on my web-site, paint and take a damn uninterrupted shower while drinking beer and listening to music. I think the shower, beer and music wins....

Stolen Moments

The hot water runs down my back

It wraps around, almost a hug

I stretch my arms up to the wall and lean forward

Each day is not so hard

Yet my body is telling me it is

I have not cried in months

I need too but can't

The warm shower helps me feel better for a few moments

Then i step out

As soon as the faucet is off

The familiar sound of my daughter's cries and footsteps are quickly at the door

Hardly a moment to myself

They stand outside the door chatting, whining, turning the knob

The love in my heart is so full

Yet my body is so worn

Stolen moments for myself, is a must

For there is high demand for when I return

Eye-twitches and Screechy Voices

 It has been hard to write lately. I've had this permanent under eye twitch for about two weeks now. It won't go away and it's driving me even crazier then I already am.

Super hard to find time to do things I like to do: blog, art, fix my hair, makeup, go shopping, take walks, make cool things, go on weekend trips, hang out with grown-ups, go see a freakin movie. Damn all of that-forget it.

Then I feel so bad every time they go to their Dad's, yet I am secretly waiting for it. By the time two weeks go by I am ready to spend some time alone. It is very hard being a mother (and a single one too) and also an introvert. My thoughts are constantly interrupted. I hear the word mom and it is like nails on a chalkboard. I will be standing right next to them and instead of just telling me what they want to say they screech out "MOM" in this high-pitched screechy voice, and I cringe when i hear it. I know they are about to complain or need something.