Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Single Forever

Anytime I hear someone talk about their ex, I side two different ways. Usually, when a woman is telling me about her ex, I'm like yeah, what an asshole, screw that dude. Who treats someone like that?? I have been there, I feel you! Dudes suck, who needs 'em??

Now when a guy is telling me about his ex first I'm like agreeing: oh yeah that sucks. Then as he's telling me more I'm just kind of looking at him. Then my arms are crossing and I'm sort of glaring at him, thinking what the fuck did you do to her? Jesus, dude quit being a dick-hole. Screw that I'd dump your ass so fast. In my mind I'm starting to see what is wrong with him and how he probably fucked up bad.

 If I were to go out on a date: which I'm not doing cause when a dude let's me know about his ex I'm going to end up telling him where he fucked up and he better go apologize to her cause she deserves to be treated better. Then he will probably be like yeah, you are so right and there I am looking in my beer all by myself. How sad, right?

Haha, but not sad.

I seriously love doing whatever I want and not worrying about anyone else and there damn feels, except my kiddos of course. And you know, kids they have A LOT of feels. 24/7 feels. Non-stop. Never-ending. Things happening. Feelings need validation. Fights need mediation and lot's of boo-boos kissed (many that didn't even hurt but it was a little bump nonetheless).

No wonder I don't date, there is no time for that while dealing with kids and their feels. Much less all the baggage that alway's comes with a relationship. Too bad you can't just build a significant other. If I could my guy would be the shit. Every girl would want him. He would be handsome and healthy (doesn't have to be chiseled or anything just healthy), he would enjoy doing things: like cooking or building and have hobbies. He would have a decent job. Oh yeah and good at sex. Not fake good but for real good. Most of all he would just be a normal fucking human being that has interests and passions about things and cares about other people. That's it. Apparently, these qualities are very hard to come by. Why is that? It makes no sense

Pepper Grinder

Today I was cleaning a house and while wiping the counter saw an electric salt a pepper grinder set. My first thought was what the crap is that?

Then needed to try it out and see if it did what I thought it did. I picked it up and pressed the button on top, it ground the pepper for you and dispensed it.

On sale, the thing costs about 40 bucks. I'm imagining going to the store, seeing it and thinking to myself, I hate grinding my own pepper, I need that. And buying it. I think the idea is so the right amount of pepper is dispensed each time, but then doesn't it just dump it in one spot? How can you even sprinkle it around that way? It seems like an annoying contraption. I can see myself letting it dispense in my hand so I can sprinkle it around to each bite. I would probably end up getting frustrated because it isn't sprinkling pepper properly and throw it across the room.

Another thing I like to ponder is the electric trash can that opens when you press the button. I saw one at wal-mart for around 40 bucks and another at Macys for 100 bucks. I'm guessing the idea is you don't have to press your foot on the pedal to open it or use your hand to open or push the lid.  How is pressing the button and waiting a half second to a second better than just opening it?? Then, of course, I would probably step on it wrong and break the damn thing.

Are these actually more convenient? If so maybe I will buy them for fun and dare myself to not break them.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

VA-GIN-A

 Oh yes, this happened. I'm cooking and my little four-year-old boy is sitting at the table innocently coloring. Just so you can completely understand the humor in this: My little boy is a chubby/muscular little guy, with blond hair, green eyes, and a very expressive face. He is always making funny little poop and pee jokes or coming up with other little humorous tidbits. He is at the table coloring; which is very short-lived. He will color a few strokes or scribbles and tell his sister to finish his picture, and she will happily do it.

Luckily I am not facing him when he got really serious and let me know that while he was at daycare they went outside and it was really stinky. It smelled like VA-GIN-A.

That is what he said verbatim.

 Thank god I was turned away from him, I almost dropped the pot I was draining, due to the surprise and sudden laughter boiling up in my throat. Oh my god, where the hell did he hear that?? I know it wasn't from me. I know it wasn't his Dad, as his Dad feels funny just hearing the word vagina, much less saying it.

 I'm thinking holy crap, did he come up with this on his own?? He might have because whenever I change his baby sisters diaper he requests for me to not change her in the room he is playing in because of how stinky her poopy diapers are. He knows the correct words for genitalia so maybe he put it together and thought how her poopy diaper smells and she has a vagina in the diaper so, therefore, vaginas are stinky, like the outside was.

Finally, I get my shit together and ask him with a straight face where he heard that.

Of course. It was his little buddy at daycare.

Now I really want to see this kid's parents. Like what parents are walking around saying things smell gross like vaginas. Who are these people?? This is the kind of thing that is going to be really tough to teach my kids is NOT ok. Especially when their friends are saying it. It is only the beginning.

Stop Light Protocol

Everyone knows or should know, the little-unspoken rule: when you pull up to a red light you do NOT park directly parallel with the driver next to you, you pull a little ahead or stop a little before.

We all know there are people who do not know this rule. I was stuck next to one of these peeps.

First I am trying really hard not to look at them, as you know making eye-contact with a stranger is taboo and weird for everyone involved, especially if you are peering directly into their car. Then I'm thinking maybe I should look directly at this person who parked right freaking next to me. Don't they know, you are not supposed to do that??

 I inch my car a little forward to break the uncomfortable nonsense. Then she does the same thing, inches forward. Now I'm thinking this person is screwing with me! I quickly look over and they are just quietly nonchalantly looking straight ahead. I'm thinking wtf?! I swear the light goes on for like ten minutes or maybe an eternity.

Finally, it turns green right when I was about to start honking and flipping them off. No, not really, I would have just kept sitting there awkwardly, like I did. Ha!

 Bottom line, don't be weird when stopping at a red light.

Jammin' out in the Car


A few months ago I was driving around and was really ridiculously happy. I was thinking about life and how I'm KILLING it right now, in the best possible way.

Let's face it, I've made some pretty terrible choices in my younger years. Not these recent years, of course. Before. Not now. Anyway, besides the point, I was so happy so was jammin' out with the radio blaring, dancing and singing all the while driving. I was feeling awesome and on top of the world. 

Nothing could or would bring me down.

Those are some powerful thoughts, by the way.

It must have been a few days later, I was driving to work or the store maybe and feeling pretty mellow and chill. There was an old pick-up truck in front of me with a man probably in his late 40's early 50's. He had the radio on and was fist punching the air and rocking out. He had his hair tied in a nice long ponytail, I could see the outline of his hair in my car.

You know what? I actually felt pretty uncomfortable witnessing his joyful air punching. It made me think about when I was rockin' it in my car, all the other people around me must have felt as uncomfortable watching me as I am watching rocker dude in front of me.

Not as cool looking as I thought. Not at all.  I might re-think jammin' out in the car for now on....Or I can do it even more joyfully and gleefully

Friday, November 24, 2017

Cutting Spending/Cheap Living/ Budgeting

In my 20's I used to go shopping at Schnucks with my ex. We would go and spend about 200 bucks on food for just the two of us. It seemed fine at the time. We had a little affordable apartment with a roommate and we could do that. Over time, after having kids and being poor as fuck, I found that aldi is the absolute shit or shop-n-save, as aldi doesn't have a few things I might need.

Anyway, those 200 dollar grocery shopping sprees seem so dumb to me now. I could have two carts full for 200 bucks at aldi and shop-n-save, schnucks is high dollar, not the cheap kind of dollars I have. And 200 bucks I can stretch into a month for four people: although, my kids are very young right now so don't eat a whole hell of alot.

Here's what has happened to me ten years later, three kids and single. I cut corners every little spot that I can, one of them is I quit buying trash bags. Yep no trash bags anymore. Waste of money. First I used to spend the 6 cents at aldis to get brown paper bags-they stand up! Perfect for trash, you don't even need a can. The only thing is, if there is something damp or wet you have to tie it up in a plastic bag before tossing it in. Anyway, I used to think I was a rebel and pretty fuckin cool, of course. Now my rebel days consist of hitting up shop-n-save and stealing their free brown paper bags for my trash. I feel guilty when I do it. I am actually looking around as I grab a small stack thinking someone might call me out and make me put them back.

 Come to think of it in my 20's was the only time in my life I got to splurge on spending. I had no kids, had either a husband or boyfriend who worked and always another roommate, bills were very low. I spent $ on all kinds of things. Now that I have children that I am raising on my own I have gone back to my original routes as a DIYer. I grew up with 9 brothers and sisters. We were not do-it-yourselfers because it was cool, it was a necessity. If you wanted something nice we took an old thing we already had and made it better by painting it and changing it, you found a way to earn the $ to buy it yourself, make it from scratch or wait the entire year for maybe Santa to get it for you.

Now for cutting spending:

I stop into thrift stores on a regular basis, but only buy what you actually need. Thrifting is not helpful if you just buy things you don't need. I have a list of things I need and then wait patiently until it's at a thrift store for a few bucks: like a coffee table, bed frame, shelves that type of thing.

When grocery shopping do not waste money on pre-made anything. You can make almost all of it and any of it yourself. I cook alot on the weekends making soups, casseroles, stocks, stews and even yogurt. You can make an entire half gallon of yogurt for under 3 bucks and its actually really easy

Use vinegar for laundry detergent: 2 bucks a gallon

Dollar Tree is pretty great

The library is free for books and movies

Parks and picnics for outings with the kiddos

The Puppy Game

 My little boy, he comes up with some pretty genius ideas. He just turned four and recently began playing this puppy game with his 5-year-old sister. Basically, he acts like a puppy and she tells him what to do.

 It is not my favorite game but he is always the one initiating it, so I guess it's fun for him.

 She will feed him dry cereal out of a bowl and he eats it like a puppy or she will tell him to go get her something, sit, bark.. things like that. so obviously as a mother, this game is painful to watch but he likes it, so who am I to say, right?

Then I began noticing that when he wants to do things that will bother other people or things he isn't supposed to do, he claims he is a puppy.  He thinks if he's a puppy he can do what he wants and it's all good.  For instance, he takes his baby sisters toy, before I even have a chance to say anything he says; "I'm a puppy!" or he gets junk food out of the cabinet that he wasn't supposed to have; "I'm a puppy!" His Dad calls on the phone to talk to him and he will just keep barking on the phone. His Dad will be like "Hey buddy how was your day?" and he will just reply "Ruff!   Ruff!    Ruff!" Over and over.

The more I think about it the greater this is. If you don't want to talk to someone just bark at them. If you need to take something from someone, just because you want it, act like a dog. Who is going to tell you no? They will just think your insane and most likely go with it. Can you imagine hanging out with some friends and you would like to use their new kitchen gadget, so you bark at them, take it and pant like a dog. Bet the friend stares at you in silence wondering "Wtf?" Or if someone you don't feel like talking to calls you, just bark at them. Genius. This shit should work. People will leave you the fuck alone.

Slugs

Today for lunch I sauteed some portobello mushrooms.  My daughter is now a vegetarian so I am trying to find things she will eat, as well as food the other two kiddos might try. Yes I am that kind of mom. My 6 year old declares vegetarianism and I support it.

Mushrooms seemed like a good option. I cut up a few chunks of mushroom and put it on each one of their plates. 

After my little boy finished eating his mac-n-cheese I tell him he needs to taste the other things on his plate before I get him more macaroni.

He looks at the mushroom. Pokes it a little. Scrunches up his face. Smells it. Examines it.

Then he asks in his little worried voice, green eyes wide, looking at me like "who is this women actually? Is she really my mother?"

Then he takes a small breath and says in a disbelieving voice "Mom, did you cook slugs?"

For real. 

He is really wanting to know if that is what I made.

Slugs. Slugs on his plate. Nicely cooked and seasoned for him to eat.

 I almost feel like shit over his thought process. In his mind, the things on his plate are so horrible and disgusting looking that they could literally be slugs, and he believes I would have him eat them. Good god.

Recently he decided he won't eat quinoa as he thinks they are little bugs. He doesn't want berries in his food because they also look like bugs. A different food he thought was ants. 

Poor little guy. I really can not imagine what it would be like to actually think my own mother would feed me tiny little critters and slugs. Damn, I would never eat if someone was cooking me up that shit. His sweet little soul, he still eats things.

But carefully. It might be slugs.