Hypochondriac Kiddo's Illnesses

 I used to be a hypochondriac, now I am like that with the kids. Anything wrong with me, I think to myself: " I'll just power through it. No big deal." and I even almost forget that I am sick or there might actually be something wrong with me. 

When the kids are sick I start thinking they might have cancer or some deadly disease. I get really worried and stare at them thinking I can figure out what the disease is by the way they are breathing.

I am fully aware these thoughts are a little nuts. Lately instead of indulging on them and making myself cry. I am reminding myself that I am in charge of my own thoughts. I have actually been able to, almost stop those thoughts before they manifest into me having a panic attack over the kids having a runny nose for christs sake; what I was literally doing. Now I am taking (what I think is the healthier approach) pushing the thoughts out of my head. Paying attention to the kiddos (as I always did, but not in a freak out manner) and if something seems off, just go to the dr.

Seems so simple but goddamn as a hypochondriac, by the time we made it to the dr I was sure it was cancer or something dire. Now I'm actually able to walk into the Dr.'s office with my whole head on straight and not a crazy person.

Crazy Sick Month

It has been a crazy month and a half. I am so happy to say that Christmas happened and it went, well it went. So glad it is now over.

We have been sick with one sickness right on top of the other since mid-November. With three littles I have had no time for anything. I've been lucky I have been able to get to work most days.  I think I have maybe slept a total of 3 uninterrupted hours throughout the month. I feel like I just had a baby with my lack of sleep.

As soon as one child wakes up, the other two mess with me. I swear they know right when I am about to fall back asleep and they jump up and need something.

I think I might be dreaming and will wake up and laugh at the craziness of it. Can you imagine dreaming that I had my very own place with three amazing children and we all get sicker than shit for over a month with different illnesses. All hell breaks loose.....damn what a dream. ..... oh wait it's reality....lololololololololololol...insane laughter.

I'm pretty sure the neighbors have to hate our guts at this point. When kids are sick it's not fuckin pretty. It is not happy and it is very loud at unreasonable times. My apartment has paper thin walls, you can pretty much here an entire conversation from next door and they at least talk in normal voices, unlike us over here. I can only imagine the horrific sounds coming from my house during this time of sickness.

My daughter: screeching every time she bumps herself on the wall. My son crying anytime someone looks at him. There has been plenty of fighting among the children, arguments, tantrums unnecessary yelling, they keep flicking the door stopper to listen to it boing (I tell them to stop, but you know how kids are): that has to be annoying as shit to hear the wall constantly making the echoey boing sound and so many loud voices, screams, screeches, and any obnoxious sound imaginable. The more I think about it the more I realize we probably sound like some weird and loud as fuck creatures. Dang, I can't wait for this sickness to go away! Maybe we will sound like a normal family again and be a normal family that makes normal human not creature sounds.

Nope that is dreaming way too big. We are doomed to always sound like creatures

Tears are Strength

Tears force you to recognize your emotion

Face the issue at hand

They do not let you ignore the root of the problem

Your mind must work through it

That is strength

Guilty Freedom

When the kids go to their Dad's for a few days I get super excited, but like that guilty excited. It feels wrong to be separated from them for short periods of time but then again I feel like a REAL mother-fucking person!

The first thing I do is clean my house and hide all the toys in the kid's rooms. It's insanely great and warm feeling to have a nice clean house to relax in, maybe even giddy.

Cleaning when the kids are home is utterly pointless. As soon as any room looks half-way decent they drag some toys in or tear it up one way or another, they will throw cushions on the floor, spill and drop every piece of food and/or drink that comes close to them, overflow the sink, play with the rugs, splash paint water on the walls, finger paint with poo......haha j/k! Might as well though!

I also lie to people and tell them I am super busy all weekend. This way I can do whatever the hell I want! Like work on my blog, paint, eat a lot of junk, sleep for hours and hours, watch Netflix and youtube videos uninterrupted, take a shower while listening to music, omg the anticipation! Terrible right?!?!

Home alone baby, I feel like a Queen!

Single Forever

Anytime I hear someone talk about their ex, I side two different ways. Usually, when a woman is telling me about her ex, I'm like yeah, what an asshole, screw that dude. Who treats someone like that?? I have been there, I feel you! Dudes suck, who needs 'em??

Now when a guy is telling me about his ex first I'm like agreeing: oh yeah that sucks. Then as he's telling me more I'm just kind of looking at him. Then my arms are crossing and I'm sort of glaring at him, thinking what the fuck did you do to her? Jesus, dude quit being a dick-hole. Screw that I'd dump your ass so fast. In my mind I'm starting to see what is wrong with him and how he probably fucked up bad.

 If I were to go out on a date: which I'm not doing cause when a dude let's me know about his ex I'm going to end up telling him where he fucked up and he better go apologize to her cause she deserves to be treated better. Then he will probably be like yeah, you are so right and there I am looking in my beer all by myself. How sad, right?

Haha, but not sad.

I seriously love doing whatever I want and not worrying about anyone else and there damn feels, except my kiddos of course. And you know, kids they have A LOT of feels. 24/7 feels. Non-stop. Never-ending. Things happening. Feelings need validation. Fights need mediation and lot's of boo-boos kissed (many that didn't even hurt but it was a little bump nonetheless).

No wonder I don't date, there is no time for that while dealing with kids and their feels. Much less all the baggage that alway's comes with a relationship. Too bad you can't just build a significant other. If I could my guy would be the shit. Every girl would want him. He would be handsome and healthy (doesn't have to be chiseled or anything just healthy), he would enjoy doing things: like cooking or building and have hobbies. He would have a decent job. Oh yeah and good at sex. Not fake good but for real good. Most of all he would just be a normal fucking human being that has interests and passions about things and cares about other people. That's it. Apparently, these qualities are very hard to come by. Why is that? It makes no sense

Pepper Grinder

Today I was cleaning a house and while wiping the counter saw an electric salt a pepper grinder set. My first thought was what the crap is that?

Then needed to try it out and see if it did what I thought it did. I picked it up and pressed the button on top, it ground the pepper for you and dispensed it.

On sale, the thing costs about 40 bucks. I'm imagining going to the store, seeing it and thinking to myself, I hate grinding my own pepper, I need that. And buying it. I think the idea is so the right amount of pepper is dispensed each time, but then doesn't it just dump it in one spot? How can you even sprinkle it around that way? It seems like an annoying contraption. I can see myself letting it dispense in my hand so I can sprinkle it around to each bite. I would probably end up getting frustrated because it isn't sprinkling pepper properly and throw it across the room.

Another thing I like to ponder is the electric trash can that opens when you press the button. I saw one at wal-mart for around 40 bucks and another at Macys for 100 bucks. I'm guessing the idea is you don't have to press your foot on the pedal to open it or use your hand to open or push the lid.  How is pressing the button and waiting a half second to a second better than just opening it?? Then, of course, I would probably step on it wrong and break the damn thing.

Are these actually more convenient? If so maybe I will buy them for fun and dare myself to not break them.

VA-GIN-A

 Oh yes, this happened. I'm cooking and my little four-year-old boy is sitting at the table innocently coloring. Just so you can completely understand the humor in this: My little boy is a chubby/muscular little guy, with blond hair, green eyes, and a very expressive face. He is always making funny little poop and pee jokes or coming up with other little humorous tidbits. He is at the table coloring; which is very short-lived. He will color a few strokes or scribbles and tell his sister to finish his picture, and she will happily do it.

Luckily I am not facing him when he got really serious and let me know that while he was at daycare they went outside and it was really stinky. It smelled like VA-GIN-A.

That is what he said verbatim.

 Thank god I was turned away from him, I almost dropped the pot I was draining, due to the surprise and sudden laughter boiling up in my throat. Oh my god, where the hell did he hear that?? I know it wasn't from me. I know it wasn't his Dad, as his Dad feels funny just hearing the word vagina, much less saying it.

 I'm thinking holy crap, did he come up with this on his own?? He might have because whenever I change his baby sisters diaper he requests for me to not change her in the room he is playing in because of how stinky her poopy diapers are. He knows the correct words for genitalia so maybe he put it together and thought how her poopy diaper smells and she has a vagina in the diaper so, therefore, vaginas are stinky, like the outside was.

Finally, I get my shit together and ask him with a straight face where he heard that.

Of course. It was his little buddy at daycare.

Now I really want to see this kid's parents. Like what parents are walking around saying things smell gross like vaginas. Who are these people?? This is the kind of thing that is going to be really tough to teach my kids is NOT ok. Especially when their friends are saying it. It is only the beginning.

Stop Light Protocol

Everyone knows or should know, the little-unspoken rule: when you pull up to a red light you do NOT park directly parallel with the driver next to you, you pull a little ahead or stop a little before.

We all know there are people who do not know this rule. I was stuck next to one of these peeps.

First I am trying really hard not to look at them, as you know making eye-contact with a stranger is taboo and weird for everyone involved, especially if you are peering directly into their car. Then I'm thinking maybe I should look directly at this person who parked right freaking next to me. Don't they know, you are not supposed to do that??

 I inch my car a little forward to break the uncomfortable nonsense. Then she does the same thing, inches forward. Now I'm thinking this person is screwing with me! I quickly look over and they are just quietly nonchalantly looking straight ahead. I'm thinking wtf?! I swear the light goes on for like ten minutes or maybe an eternity.

Finally, it turns green right when I was about to start honking and flipping them off. No, not really, I would have just kept sitting there awkwardly, like I did. Ha!

 Bottom line, don't be weird when stopping at a red light.

Jammin' out in the Car

A few months ago I was driving around and was really ridiculously happy. I was thinking about life and how I'm KILLING it right now, in the best possible way.

Let's face it, I've made some pretty terrible choices in my younger years. Not these recent years, of course. Before. Not now. Anyway, besides the point, I was so happy so was jammin' out with the radio blaring, dancing and singing all the while driving. I was feeling awesome and on top of the world. 

Nothing could or would bring me down.

Those are some powerful thoughts, by the way.

It must have been a few days later, I was driving to work or the store maybe and feeling pretty mellow and chill. There was an old pick-up truck in front of me with a man probably in his late 40's early 50's. He had the radio on and was fist punching the air and rocking out. He had his hair tied in a nice long ponytail, I could see the outline of his hair in my car.

You know what? I actually felt pretty uncomfortable witnessing his joyful air punching. It made me think about when I was rockin' it in my car, all the other people around me must have felt as uncomfortable watching me as I am watching rocker dude in front of me.

Not as cool looking as I thought. Not at all.  I might re-think jammin' out in the car for now on....Or I can do it even more joyfully and gleefully

Cutting Spending/Cheap Living/ Budgeting

In my 20's I used to go shopping at Schnucks with my ex. We would go and spend about 200 bucks on food for just the two of us. It seemed fine at the time. We had a little affordable apartment with a roommate and we could do that. Over time, after having kids and being poor as fuck, I found that aldi is the absolute shit or shop-n-save, as aldi doesn't have a few things I might need.

Anyway, those 200 dollar grocery shopping sprees seem so dumb to me now. I could have two carts full for 200 bucks at aldi and shop-n-save, schnucks is high dollar, not the cheap kind of dollars I have. And 200 bucks I can stretch into a month for four people: although, my kids are very young right now so don't eat a whole hell of alot.

Here's what has happened to me ten years later, three kids and single. I cut corners every little spot that I can, one of them is I quit buying trash bags. Yep no trash bags anymore. Waste of money. First I used to spend the 6 cents at aldis to get brown paper bags-they stand up! Perfect for trash, you don't even need a can. The only thing is, if there is something damp or wet you have to tie it up in a plastic bag before tossing it in. Anyway, I used to think I was a rebel and pretty fuckin cool, of course. Now my rebel days consist of hitting up shop-n-save and stealing their free brown paper bags for my trash. I feel guilty when I do it. I am actually looking around as I grab a small stack thinking someone might call me out and make me put them back.

 Come to think of it in my 20's was the only time in my life I got to splurge on spending. I had no kids, had either a husband or boyfriend who worked and always another roommate, bills were very low. I spent $ on all kinds of things. Now that I have children that I am raising on my own I have gone back to my original routes as a DIYer. I grew up with 9 brothers and sisters. We were not do-it-yourselfers because it was cool, it was a necessity. If you wanted something nice we took an old thing we already had and made it better by painting it and changing it, you found a way to earn the $ to buy it yourself, make it from scratch or wait the entire year for maybe Santa to get it for you.

Now for cutting spending:

I stop into thrift stores on a regular basis, but only buy what you actually need. Thrifting is not helpful if you just buy things you don't need. I have a list of things I need and then wait patiently until it's at a thrift store for a few bucks: like a coffee table, bed frame, shelves that type of thing.

When grocery shopping do not waste money on pre-made anything. You can make almost all of it and any of it yourself. I cook alot on the weekends making soups, casseroles, stocks, stews and even yogurt. You can make an entire half gallon of yogurt for under 3 bucks and its actually really easy

Use vinegar for laundry detergent: 2 bucks a gallon

Dollar Tree is pretty great

The library is free for books and movies

Parks and picnics for outings with the kiddos

The Puppy Game

 My little boy, he comes up with some pretty genius ideas. He just turned four and recently began playing this puppy game with his 5-year-old sister. Basically, he acts like a puppy and she tells him what to do.

 It is not my favorite game but he is always the one initiating it, so I guess it's fun for him.

 She will feed him dry cereal out of a bowl and he eats it like a puppy or she will tell him to go get her something, sit, bark.. things like that. so obviously as a mother, this game is painful to watch but he likes it, so who am I to say, right?

Then I began noticing that when he wants to do things that will bother other people or things he isn't supposed to do, he claims he is a puppy.  He thinks if he's a puppy he can do what he wants and it's all good.  For instance, he takes his baby sisters toy, before I even have a chance to say anything he says; "I'm a puppy!" or he gets junk food out of the cabinet that he wasn't supposed to have; "I'm a puppy!" His Dad calls on the phone to talk to him and he will just keep barking on the phone. His Dad will be like "Hey buddy how was your day?" and he will just reply "Ruff!   Ruff!    Ruff!" Over and over.

The more I think about it the greater this is. If you don't want to talk to someone just bark at them. If you need to take something from someone, just because you want it, act like a dog. Who is going to tell you no? They will just think your insane and most likely go with it. Can you imagine hanging out with some friends and you would like to use their new kitchen gadget, so you bark at them, take it and pant like a dog. Bet the friend stares at you in silence wondering "Wtf?" Or if someone you don't feel like talking to calls you, just bark at them. Genius. This shit should work. People will leave you the fuck alone.

Slugs

Today for lunch I sauteed some portobello mushrooms.  My daughter is now a vegetarian so I am trying to find things she will eat, as well as food the other two kiddos might try. Yes I am that kind of mom. My 6 year old declares vegetarianism and I support it.

Mushrooms seemed like a good option. I cut up a few chunks of mushroom and put it on each one of their plates. 

After my little boy finished eating his mac-n-cheese I tell him he needs to taste the other things on his plate before I get him more macaroni.

He looks at the mushroom. Pokes it a little. Scrunches up his face. Smells it. Examines it.

Then he asks in his little worried voice, green eyes wide, looking at me like "who is this women actually? Is she really my mother?"

Then he takes a small breath and says in a disbelieving voice "Mom, did you cook slugs?"

For real. 

He is really wanting to know if that is what I made.

Slugs. Slugs on his plate. Nicely cooked and seasoned for him to eat.

 I almost feel like shit over his thought process. In his mind, the things on his plate are so horrible and disgusting looking that they could literally be slugs, and he believes I would have him eat them. Good god.

Recently he decided he won't eat quinoa as he thinks they are little bugs. He doesn't want berries in his food because they also look like bugs. A different food he thought was ants. 

Poor little guy. I really can not imagine what it would be like to actually think my own mother would feed me tiny little critters and slugs. Damn, I would never eat if someone was cooking me up that shit. His sweet little soul, he still eats things.

But carefully. It might be slugs.

When It Flickers It's Good

The last blog, I got on the topic of ex's and it got me to thinking about the time I was introduced to this lovely word: Dick-hole. This word is great. It's worse then ass-hole, yet slightly funny. Dick is worse then ass and dick-hole is much worse than an ass-hole.

When my ex and I first starting dating he was driving and had a small bout of road rage. He is screaming at the car in front of him and yells that the dude is a fucking dick-hole....I just sat there and looked at him thinking about this new word. It's kind of brilliant. If you replace dick with vagina and get vagina-hole, it does not have quite the same effect. Calling people vagina-holes just doesn't sound as bad as a dick-hole. A vagina-hole produces babies and it's a nice spot. But a dick-hole is just freaking perfect, when you are mad at someone or many someones. They are now a bunch of dick-holes.

After introducing this word to me, to my delight, I discovered, he apparently is quite creative when it comes to coming up with vulgar vocabulary.

Here is a great one to reference a penis. Wicker sticker. That one is a dandy. This one he came up with so he could let someone (his girl-friend or friend) know that something made his wicker sticker flicker.

Or you could say to someone that they need to try this amazing ________  because it will make your wicker sticker flicker:  Try this delicious spicy chili I made, it'll make your wicker sticker flicker. How great is that? You know that if it flickers, it's a good thing. The chili is going to be amaze-balls.

I will honestly never use these words, as it's really kind of weird: wicker sticker; although I do find it pretty humorous.

Toxic Relationships

I am sitting on the bed looking at the clock, thinking about stealing a few more moments to write. My son is hiding his face in the bed next to me, then jumping up and running to the top of the stairs and yelling uh-oh down to his sisters. Then, of course, he is running back, while yelling and then bouncing back next to me, to hide his face. Repeating this over and over.

 I have all these little humorous things to write about and now have forgotten them all. How is it, that kids can alway's get you pre-occupied so you don't get anything done. Relationships too (at least they always side-track me);  especially shit-ass crappy relationships. I have definitely had my fair share of those.

For that reason I have decided that I am completely done dating, I am much happier on my own. The more I think about being single, the more excited I am for my future. That's how terrible my relationships have been.  I am excited to not be in one. Thinking about the next decade of me and my three crazy ass kids and no one else except for friends makes me feel so happy.

I'll never forget this one toxic relationship I found myself in. One night he was doing nothing but sleeping peacefully next to me and I had this urge to kick him. Like my leg was going to do it. It was twitching and my brain is yelling at it, do not kick him: that would be considered abuse!

Then I'm thinking is it abuse? He's bigger than me. I could just give him a real swift hard kick and act like I'm asleep. It would probably make me feel a whole lot better, dealing with him day in and day out... if I could just kick him once. My foot kept twitching and telling my brain to do it, often. Then as a few days go by I started wanting to hit him too. I figured at that point I better just break up with him.

By the way, I kept it together and never kicked or hit him. In case you were wondering.

This is the guy that called and told me that he was about to turn onto River Des Peres and he said it River Dez Perez!! Ohmigod, this made me LOL and I couldn't stop. It's actually not even that funny but damn I needed to laugh I guess.

The same, guy apparently (after we broke up!!, I swear) got a tattoo on the back of his neck and it was spelled wrong. Talk about regretting a tattoo.

Driving and Cell Phones

I moved to this little town in Illinois. It's a small little town. Seems like a pretty safe place to raise the kids; although, I went to the laundromat the other day and it was kind of eery and Stephen King-ish.

There is not a soul in sight. There are yellowed hand-written notes about not leaving your laundry while the machines are on. Wasn't even an air-conditioner, least it wasn't on. 

I go outside and am looking down one of the main streets in town and there is not one car driving by on a thursday morning. I swear to god. I hear a crow, maybe Flagg off in the distance. Eery. 

One time I'm sitting at a stop light. I thought I was doing the smart thing and texting while I am at a red light. The dude in the truck next to me yells to get off my phone.

 The light wasn't even green, yet. I just look at him all stupidly like,huh?!  In hind-sight, I guess he was right I shouldn't be texting behind the wheel. Of course I felt mad for a minute though, like who the f is he?! Telling me what to do!

Another day I am on my way to work and have oh, about 30 minutes or so in the car. A good time to talk on the phone with friends. There is some road construction ahead at a four way stop and I'm busy chatting it up on my phone. Now I'm an experienced phone talker driver. I'm from St. Louis, that is what we do. We talk and drive. 

I'm looking and one of the workers is a chic. I'm thinking wow, she is one amazing chic. She works on the roads. Dude, that is awesome. For real. I'm thinking this and she looks up at me and starts to raise her hand, I'm like wow, she knows I think she's awesome she's going to wave at me.

 She brings her hand up to her face and motions like she is hanging up the phone and mouths; get off the phone. 

In that second I drop the phone all sheepishly, like shit I've been caught.

 Then I'm driving past and am thinking about this interaction. I'm in my head going who the fuck?! She thinks she's the phone police, she has the authority to tell me what to do?

 I'm coming up with all these things I should have done back, I should have just flipped her the bird and stared at her dead in the eye, while slowly driving by, talking on my phone. Damn, why didn't I do that?

After that moment passed I thought about what I was doing. And the more I think about it I guess I deserve that. People die from someone talking on the phone and texting. Damnit, no matter how much I hate to admit it, they were right and I was wrong. Hate when that happens.

Blood,Pregnancy, Full-Moon, The Beast

The other day I decide it's a great idea to call the ex and, you know, be civil. We are chatting about this and that about the kids, no big deal. Then he decides he wants to inform me about this weekend, when he is supposed to have the kids for the full weekend. He let's me know that, he can't. He can just do saturday night.

 I wasn't too happy about it, but I was like alright sure he can go out and take them sat night. Then after this he has to take them for the...before I finish my sentence he says I'm not doing this. And hangs up the phone.

I'm like really wtf? You know, who does that?  Normally I might handle this in better way but it's right after the full moon and I explode. This is some serious fucking intolerable shit. I know some of you are wondering wtf the full moon has to do with it?



 A woman's ovulation cycle syncs with phases of  the moon. Most women, apparently have their period with the new moon but mine is in-sync with the full-moon, well right after. Women who are synced with the new moon means they ovulate during the full-moon and have their period during the new moon. Different times in your life you will sync differently, depending on your mind-set or life situation at the time. I find this beyond amazing.

So anyway, when women are on their period we do not take shit from anyone. Like all the sudden we turn into The Beast, this monstrosity of a woman. Who will speak her mind and not take shit from anyone. We should be like this all the time and some women are (which they are seriously the shit!) other women are like that during certain times.

Also when you are pregnant the Beast emerges. It's like a survival thing. Back in cave woman times when we lived in the wilderness and we got pregnant people would die easily: sickness probably starvation etc.  so women probably had to push out baby's alone sometimes and then find away to keep them alive, talk about some scary survival shit. Women had to protect themselves and the baby, probably other kids too.  Be on the alert for wild animals who will kill you and drag your child off, disease, starvation and God knows what else. Evolution made us tough to deal with these scenarios (my unscientifc theory) which created the Beast in all women. Men probably have it too but I'm not a man so I can't vouch for that.

I remember one time when my mom was pregnant everyone knew you had better listen to her, she was a Beast. There was no fucking up. Oneday right after she organized and cleaned the fridge, I put the mustard on the wrong shelf. This was probably after us kids had been destroying the house she just cleaned and was the final straw of keeping the Beast at bay. She growled this hideous beastly growl and I'll tell you what: I never forgot. That mustard goes on the mother fucking door, one shelf up and to the left. My mom she is amazing and quite Beastly.

A person learns to listen to the Beast. When a woman first gets pregnant she is not quite full-blown Beast yet. You can tell by how her bf, husband, partner, significant other reacts when she asks him/her to pick her up some moose-tracks from the store. I don't care who you are, you need some moose-tracks when you're pregnant. I mean that's the best ice-cream. It has candy and chocolate in it. Can't go wrong.

Anyway, in the beginning of the pregnancy, the partner will be like, yeah ok, after I finish doing this thing I'm doing, I'll go right out and get it. She's trying to be nice to them still and she might be able to keep the Beast behind bars. for a short time. Then partner runs out and gets the ice-cream. Comes back home, they didn't have moose-tracks so I got you smores, partner says. She grins and keeps Beast hidden. She thinks to herself (or I thought to myself, as this happened to me) who the fuck gets smores? It's the worst ice-cream at the fucking store. It's so bad you never see it anywhere, then when you do there's like a hundred of them and on sale for $1. Nobody wants that shit. But she eats it anyway cause her pregnant body is craving fat, calcium and (sugar?).

By the end of her pregnancy, the partner, oh they know about that Beast. They are now kissing her ass: rubbing her feet doing things such as that (which they should be doing as her body is growing their beautiful baby! So amazing!!). Partner now knows one inconsiderate move and the Beast comes out. Now when she asks for moose-tracks partner jumps up and runs to the store. They are going to go to every store as quickly as possible because that Beast is some scary ass shit. She is not putting up with any type of insensitive behaviour.


My ex, he hangs up on me right on the first day of The Beast happening (period time, not pregnancy). I pick that phone right up, call him back and let the Beast tear into him. No way am I putting up with this shit. Any other day I might handle it more calmly but not during my Beastly time. I go on and on, screaming, my throat starts to hurt. You know he stays on the phone listening to this (if it were me, I would have hung up)?! You know what happens for the weekend? He takes the kids. Us women, we have evolved to fighting during certain times and sticking up for ourselves, mostly during pregnancy and periods. Maybe one day will all stick up for ourselves all the time and then eventually we will not have to anymore. People will have evolved to be sympathetic and understanding. Then the Beast may not need to exist anymore.

Now I need some moose-tracks, it's my Beast time.

Bad assery, The Punisher

I have been working alone now: which has left me 40 plus hours of thinking about things. Not sure if this is a good thing for me or not. If people have cameras in their homes they probably think there is something wrong with me, as I have been coming up with funny stories in my head and making myself laugh so hard, sometimes I even have tears.  I can only imagine what this looks like to someone watching me. Here I am sweeping a floor and laughing, then stop sweeping and clutch the broom because now I am laughing so hard I can hardly sweep.

One day I was cleaning a bathroom sink, laughing so hard I couldn't even wipe the sink.  I was remembering how it is not a good idea to fuck with my older brother. When we were in our early twenties we lived together, this was during the time that Punisher was a thing. Maybe Punisher is still a thing, I guess it's a character in a movie or something. He was really into it and even had me make a painting of the Punisher image for him.

During this time he had a truck that he really loved, a badass, don't fuck with me, kind of truck. He would pull up to the house jamming System of a Down, Mudvayne, Metallica, that type of music. He spent hours keeping his truck real nice and tough looking. I don't know how to make a truck tough looking but he did it.

 One day we were outside bbqing some brats and the guy from across the alley opens the door and lets his lab (or rottwieller) out. The dog is walking around sniffing. Prances over to our yard, looking around the whole time. He quickly lifts up his leg and tinkles right on my brothers bad-to-the-bone truck. Tinkles on it!

 My brother quickly screams what the fuck?! And runs down the deck to tell the dog to get the fuck out of our yard.

As the next few weeks go by the dog has apparently decided that our yard and my brothers truck is his personal bathroom, to the utter dismay of my brother. The dog runs over and tinkles on my brothers truck whenever the fuck he feels like it, as well as taking giant shits in our backyard. One day my brother walks out to get in his truck and head off to work. He steps in a huge steaming pile of dog shit. His adrenaline kicks in and he is fuming. Screaming. Red-faced. He has had enough of this shit and is done.

I understand that people have problems with their neighbors from time-to-time and usually passive-aggressively tell them to stop. My uncle has this neighbor who sets a drain out to drain all of his water into my uncle's yard. My uncle just kicks the drain and redirects it. The neighbor eventually sees it and moves it back. They probably both know exactly what the other is doing. Then when they see each other outside I imagine they exchange pleasantries like nothing is going on.

Well, my brother will make sure his message is crystal clear. He grabs a shovel. I am thinking holy shit he is going to kill the dog! How do I stop him?!

Instead, he starts angrily shoveling the piles of shit and flinging them so hard they smash against the neighbor's house and splatter everywhere.

There is a lot of shit in our yard, the dog had been doing this for a few weeks. He forcefully shovels it and flings every single turd on this dudes house. Red-faced, super pissed the whole time.

I'm watching this and imagining the neighbor coming home and seeing the dog shit smashed against his house, what is this guy even going to think?

 Then I look over at my brother and there he is standing there with the shovel, sweat pouring, crazy eye, vein popping out of his neck, his bad to the bone truck with some tinkles on it, and I realize:

 he is the mother-fucking punisher.

Do not. Fuck. With my brother.

We are a family of insanity I guess. Here I am cleaning a bathroom, remembering this and laughing hysterically. My brother the Punisher Dog Shit Thrower and me the Hysterical Laughing Cleaning Lady. Insanity, abso-fucking-lutely