I have been working alone now: which has left me 40 plus hours of thinking about things. Not sure if this is a good thing for me or not. If people have cameras in their homes they probably think there is something wrong with me, as I have been coming up with funny stories in my head and making myself laugh so hard, sometimes I even have tears. I can only imagine what this looks like to someone watching me. Here I am sweeping a floor and laughing, then stop sweeping and clutch the broom because now I am laughing so hard I can hardly sweep.
One day I was cleaning a bathroom sink, laughing so hard I couldn't even wipe the sink. I was remembering how it is not a good idea to fuck with my older brother. When we were in our early twenties we lived together, this was during the time that Punisher was a thing. Maybe Punisher is still a thing, I guess it's a character in a movie or something. He was really into it and even had me make a painting of the Punisher image for him.
During this time he had a truck that he really loved, a badass, don't fuck with me, kind of truck. He would pull up to the house jamming System of a Down, Mudvayne, Metallica, that type of music. He spent hours keeping his truck real nice and tough looking. I don't know how to make a truck tough looking but he did it.
One day we were outside bbqing some brats and the guy from across the alley opens the door and lets his lab (or rottwieller) out. The dog is walking around sniffing. Prances over to our yard, looking around the whole time. He quickly lifts up his leg and tinkles right on my brothers bad-to-the-bone truck. Tinkles on it!
My brother quickly screams what the fuck?! And runs down the deck to tell the dog to get the fuck out of our yard.
As the next few weeks go by the dog has apparently decided that our yard and my brothers truck is his personal bathroom, to the utter dismay of my brother. The dog runs over and tinkles on my brothers truck whenever the fuck he feels like it, as well as taking giant shits in our backyard. One day my brother walks out to get in his truck and head off to work. He steps in a huge steaming pile of dog shit. His adrenaline kicks in and he is fuming. Screaming. Red-faced. He has had enough of this shit and is done.
I understand that people have problems with their neighbors from time-to-time and usually passive-aggressively tell them to stop. My uncle has this neighbor who sets a drain out to drain all of his water into my uncle's yard. My uncle just kicks the drain and redirects it. The neighbor eventually sees it and moves it back. They probably both know exactly what the other is doing. Then when they see each other outside I imagine they exchange pleasantries like nothing is going on.
Well, my brother will make sure his message is crystal clear. He grabs a shovel. I am thinking holy shit he is going to kill the dog! How do I stop him?!
Instead, he starts angrily shoveling the piles of shit and flinging them so hard they smash against the neighbor's house and splatter everywhere.
There is a lot of shit in our yard, the dog had been doing this for a few weeks. He forcefully shovels it and flings every single turd on this dudes house. Red-faced, super pissed the whole time.
I'm watching this and imagining the neighbor coming home and seeing the dog shit smashed against his house, what is this guy even going to think?
Then I look over at my brother and there he is standing there with the shovel, sweat pouring, crazy eye, vein popping out of his neck, his bad to the bone truck with some tinkles on it, and I realize:
he is the mother-fucking punisher.
Do not. Fuck. With my brother.
We are a family of insanity I guess. Here I am cleaning a bathroom, remembering this and laughing hysterically. My brother the Punisher Dog Shit Thrower and me the Hysterical Laughing Cleaning Lady. Insanity, abso-fucking-lutely
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