When It Flickers It's Good

The last blog, I got on the topic of ex's and it got me to thinking about the time I was introduced to this lovely word: Dick-hole. This word is great. It's worse then ass-hole, yet slightly funny. Dick is worse then ass and dick-hole is much worse than an ass-hole.

When my ex and I first starting dating he was driving and had a small bout of road rage. He is screaming at the car in front of him and yells that the dude is a fucking dick-hole....I just sat there and looked at him thinking about this new word. It's kind of brilliant. If you replace dick with vagina and get vagina-hole, it does not have quite the same effect. Calling people vagina-holes just doesn't sound as bad as a dick-hole. A vagina-hole produces babies and it's a nice spot. But a dick-hole is just freaking perfect, when you are mad at someone or many someones. They are now a bunch of dick-holes.

After introducing this word to me, to my delight, I discovered, he apparently is quite creative when it comes to coming up with vulgar vocabulary.

Here is a great one to reference a penis. Wicker sticker. That one is a dandy. This one he came up with so he could let someone (his girl-friend or friend) know that something made his wicker sticker flicker.

Or you could say to someone that they need to try this amazing ________  because it will make your wicker sticker flicker:  Try this delicious spicy chili I made, it'll make your wicker sticker flicker. How great is that? You know that if it flickers, it's a good thing. The chili is going to be amaze-balls.

I will honestly never use these words, as it's really kind of weird: wicker sticker; although I do find it pretty humorous.

Toxic Relationships

I am sitting on the bed looking at the clock, thinking about stealing a few more moments to write. My son is hiding his face in the bed next to me, then jumping up and running to the top of the stairs and yelling uh-oh down to his sisters. Then, of course, he is running back, while yelling and then bouncing back next to me, to hide his face. Repeating this over and over.

 I have all these little humorous things to write about and now have forgotten them all. How is it, that kids can alway's get you pre-occupied so you don't get anything done. Relationships too (at least they always side-track me);  especially shit-ass crappy relationships. I have definitely had my fair share of those.

For that reason I have decided that I am completely done dating, I am much happier on my own. The more I think about being single, the more excited I am for my future. That's how terrible my relationships have been.  I am excited to not be in one. Thinking about the next decade of me and my three crazy ass kids and no one else except for friends makes me feel so happy.

I'll never forget this one toxic relationship I found myself in. One night he was doing nothing but sleeping peacefully next to me and I had this urge to kick him. Like my leg was going to do it. It was twitching and my brain is yelling at it, do not kick him: that would be considered abuse!

Then I'm thinking is it abuse? He's bigger than me. I could just give him a real swift hard kick and act like I'm asleep. It would probably make me feel a whole lot better, dealing with him day in and day out... if I could just kick him once. My foot kept twitching and telling my brain to do it, often. Then as a few days go by I started wanting to hit him too. I figured at that point I better just break up with him.

By the way, I kept it together and never kicked or hit him. In case you were wondering.

This is the guy that called and told me that he was about to turn onto River Des Peres and he said it River Dez Perez!! Ohmigod, this made me LOL and I couldn't stop. It's actually not even that funny but damn I needed to laugh I guess.

The same, guy apparently (after we broke up!!, I swear) got a tattoo on the back of his neck and it was spelled wrong. Talk about regretting a tattoo.

Driving and Cell Phones

I moved to this little town in Illinois. It's a small little town. Seems like a pretty safe place to raise the kids; although, I went to the laundromat the other day and it was kind of eery and Stephen King-ish.

There is not a soul in sight. There are yellowed hand-written notes about not leaving your laundry while the machines are on. Wasn't even an air-conditioner, least it wasn't on. 

I go outside and am looking down one of the main streets in town and there is not one car driving by on a thursday morning. I swear to god. I hear a crow, maybe Flagg off in the distance. Eery. 

One time I'm sitting at a stop light. I thought I was doing the smart thing and texting while I am at a red light. The dude in the truck next to me yells to get off my phone.

 The light wasn't even green, yet. I just look at him all stupidly like,huh?!  In hind-sight, I guess he was right I shouldn't be texting behind the wheel. Of course I felt mad for a minute though, like who the f is he?! Telling me what to do!

Another day I am on my way to work and have oh, about 30 minutes or so in the car. A good time to talk on the phone with friends. There is some road construction ahead at a four way stop and I'm busy chatting it up on my phone. Now I'm an experienced phone talker driver. I'm from St. Louis, that is what we do. We talk and drive. 

I'm looking and one of the workers is a chic. I'm thinking wow, she is one amazing chic. She works on the roads. Dude, that is awesome. For real. I'm thinking this and she looks up at me and starts to raise her hand, I'm like wow, she knows I think she's awesome she's going to wave at me.

 She brings her hand up to her face and motions like she is hanging up the phone and mouths; get off the phone. 

In that second I drop the phone all sheepishly, like shit I've been caught.

 Then I'm driving past and am thinking about this interaction. I'm in my head going who the fuck?! She thinks she's the phone police, she has the authority to tell me what to do?

 I'm coming up with all these things I should have done back, I should have just flipped her the bird and stared at her dead in the eye, while slowly driving by, talking on my phone. Damn, why didn't I do that?

After that moment passed I thought about what I was doing. And the more I think about it I guess I deserve that. People die from someone talking on the phone and texting. Damnit, no matter how much I hate to admit it, they were right and I was wrong. Hate when that happens.

Blood,Pregnancy, Full-Moon, The Beast

The other day I decide it's a great idea to call the ex and, you know, be civil. We are chatting about this and that about the kids, no big deal. Then he decides he wants to inform me about this weekend, when he is supposed to have the kids for the full weekend. He let's me know that, he can't. He can just do saturday night.

 I wasn't too happy about it, but I was like alright sure he can go out and take them sat night. Then after this he has to take them for the...before I finish my sentence he says I'm not doing this. And hangs up the phone.

I'm like really wtf? You know, who does that?  Normally I might handle this in better way but it's right after the full moon and I explode. This is some serious fucking intolerable shit. I know some of you are wondering wtf the full moon has to do with it?



 A woman's ovulation cycle syncs with phases of  the moon. Most women, apparently have their period with the new moon but mine is in-sync with the full-moon, well right after. Women who are synced with the new moon means they ovulate during the full-moon and have their period during the new moon. Different times in your life you will sync differently, depending on your mind-set or life situation at the time. I find this beyond amazing.

So anyway, when women are on their period we do not take shit from anyone. Like all the sudden we turn into The Beast, this monstrosity of a woman. Who will speak her mind and not take shit from anyone. We should be like this all the time and some women are (which they are seriously the shit!) other women are like that during certain times.

Also when you are pregnant the Beast emerges. It's like a survival thing. Back in cave woman times when we lived in the wilderness and we got pregnant people would die easily: sickness probably starvation etc.  so women probably had to push out baby's alone sometimes and then find away to keep them alive, talk about some scary survival shit. Women had to protect themselves and the baby, probably other kids too.  Be on the alert for wild animals who will kill you and drag your child off, disease, starvation and God knows what else. Evolution made us tough to deal with these scenarios (my unscientifc theory) which created the Beast in all women. Men probably have it too but I'm not a man so I can't vouch for that.

I remember one time when my mom was pregnant everyone knew you had better listen to her, she was a Beast. There was no fucking up. Oneday right after she organized and cleaned the fridge, I put the mustard on the wrong shelf. This was probably after us kids had been destroying the house she just cleaned and was the final straw of keeping the Beast at bay. She growled this hideous beastly growl and I'll tell you what: I never forgot. That mustard goes on the mother fucking door, one shelf up and to the left. My mom she is amazing and quite Beastly.

A person learns to listen to the Beast. When a woman first gets pregnant she is not quite full-blown Beast yet. You can tell by how her bf, husband, partner, significant other reacts when she asks him/her to pick her up some moose-tracks from the store. I don't care who you are, you need some moose-tracks when you're pregnant. I mean that's the best ice-cream. It has candy and chocolate in it. Can't go wrong.

Anyway, in the beginning of the pregnancy, the partner will be like, yeah ok, after I finish doing this thing I'm doing, I'll go right out and get it. She's trying to be nice to them still and she might be able to keep the Beast behind bars. for a short time. Then partner runs out and gets the ice-cream. Comes back home, they didn't have moose-tracks so I got you smores, partner says. She grins and keeps Beast hidden. She thinks to herself (or I thought to myself, as this happened to me) who the fuck gets smores? It's the worst ice-cream at the fucking store. It's so bad you never see it anywhere, then when you do there's like a hundred of them and on sale for $1. Nobody wants that shit. But she eats it anyway cause her pregnant body is craving fat, calcium and (sugar?).

By the end of her pregnancy, the partner, oh they know about that Beast. They are now kissing her ass: rubbing her feet doing things such as that (which they should be doing as her body is growing their beautiful baby! So amazing!!). Partner now knows one inconsiderate move and the Beast comes out. Now when she asks for moose-tracks partner jumps up and runs to the store. They are going to go to every store as quickly as possible because that Beast is some scary ass shit. She is not putting up with any type of insensitive behaviour.


My ex, he hangs up on me right on the first day of The Beast happening (period time, not pregnancy). I pick that phone right up, call him back and let the Beast tear into him. No way am I putting up with this shit. Any other day I might handle it more calmly but not during my Beastly time. I go on and on, screaming, my throat starts to hurt. You know he stays on the phone listening to this (if it were me, I would have hung up)?! You know what happens for the weekend? He takes the kids. Us women, we have evolved to fighting during certain times and sticking up for ourselves, mostly during pregnancy and periods. Maybe one day will all stick up for ourselves all the time and then eventually we will not have to anymore. People will have evolved to be sympathetic and understanding. Then the Beast may not need to exist anymore.

Now I need some moose-tracks, it's my Beast time.

Bad assery, The Punisher

I have been working alone now: which has left me 40 plus hours of thinking about things. Not sure if this is a good thing for me or not. If people have cameras in their homes they probably think there is something wrong with me, as I have been coming up with funny stories in my head and making myself laugh so hard, sometimes I even have tears.  I can only imagine what this looks like to someone watching me. Here I am sweeping a floor and laughing, then stop sweeping and clutch the broom because now I am laughing so hard I can hardly sweep.

One day I was cleaning a bathroom sink, laughing so hard I couldn't even wipe the sink.  I was remembering how it is not a good idea to fuck with my older brother. When we were in our early twenties we lived together, this was during the time that Punisher was a thing. Maybe Punisher is still a thing, I guess it's a character in a movie or something. He was really into it and even had me make a painting of the Punisher image for him.

During this time he had a truck that he really loved, a badass, don't fuck with me, kind of truck. He would pull up to the house jamming System of a Down, Mudvayne, Metallica, that type of music. He spent hours keeping his truck real nice and tough looking. I don't know how to make a truck tough looking but he did it.

 One day we were outside bbqing some brats and the guy from across the alley opens the door and lets his lab (or rottwieller) out. The dog is walking around sniffing. Prances over to our yard, looking around the whole time. He quickly lifts up his leg and tinkles right on my brothers bad-to-the-bone truck. Tinkles on it!

 My brother quickly screams what the fuck?! And runs down the deck to tell the dog to get the fuck out of our yard.

As the next few weeks go by the dog has apparently decided that our yard and my brothers truck is his personal bathroom, to the utter dismay of my brother. The dog runs over and tinkles on my brothers truck whenever the fuck he feels like it, as well as taking giant shits in our backyard. One day my brother walks out to get in his truck and head off to work. He steps in a huge steaming pile of dog shit. His adrenaline kicks in and he is fuming. Screaming. Red-faced. He has had enough of this shit and is done.

I understand that people have problems with their neighbors from time-to-time and usually passive-aggressively tell them to stop. My uncle has this neighbor who sets a drain out to drain all of his water into my uncle's yard. My uncle just kicks the drain and redirects it. The neighbor eventually sees it and moves it back. They probably both know exactly what the other is doing. Then when they see each other outside I imagine they exchange pleasantries like nothing is going on.

Well, my brother will make sure his message is crystal clear. He grabs a shovel. I am thinking holy shit he is going to kill the dog! How do I stop him?!

Instead, he starts angrily shoveling the piles of shit and flinging them so hard they smash against the neighbor's house and splatter everywhere.

There is a lot of shit in our yard, the dog had been doing this for a few weeks. He forcefully shovels it and flings every single turd on this dudes house. Red-faced, super pissed the whole time.

I'm watching this and imagining the neighbor coming home and seeing the dog shit smashed against his house, what is this guy even going to think?

 Then I look over at my brother and there he is standing there with the shovel, sweat pouring, crazy eye, vein popping out of his neck, his bad to the bone truck with some tinkles on it, and I realize:

 he is the mother-fucking punisher.

Do not. Fuck. With my brother.

We are a family of insanity I guess. Here I am cleaning a bathroom, remembering this and laughing hysterically. My brother the Punisher Dog Shit Thrower and me the Hysterical Laughing Cleaning Lady. Insanity, abso-fucking-lutely